Getting back in the game

When I just read the heading of the previous blog (Getting your wings) I found the whole situation very ironic. Very shortly after that blog our transforming butterfly baby girl took the flying concept a little far as she launched herself from a balcony at our home.

This very traumatic event shocked and served as a massive wake-up call for not only our own family, but anyone that heard of the accident. Miraculously, apart from a few bruises and scratches, after every conceivable test or scan she was declared as 'perfectly fine'. Now, after a couple of weeks, only emotional scars are visible on the rest of the family.

Yesterday evening when my mom was visiting, our 3 year old, out of the blue, mid-sentence, mid-story, pointing at his sister commented: "Ouma, you know, she fell very high."

All of us have been dealing with this event in our own way, trying to make sense of it and working through an interesting variety of emotions. Personally I found it exceptionally challenging to let go of (at least some of) the guilt, and the acceptance of this bit of baggage that is now part of my 'make-up'/being.

Although I know, on an intellectual, rational level that it is time to 'move on' or get back into the game, I carry this piece of baggage quite heavily. To such an extent that talking, and now writing about it is still a struggle.

Shortly after the traumatic event, during a visualisation exercise in the yoga class, brilliant Beryl (the teacher) used the picture of 'growing' wings and when trying to fly you have to let go of a box you were not realising you were holding on to. In the visualisation the baggage you were holding on to were holding you back, and the moment you dropped it, your life is so much easier, lighter. For quite some time I did not realise that my box was the shame and guilt, holding me back.

In my consulting work I often see how people are not fully developing their own potential, because they (not the people around them) are not okay with their past experience. They are often ashamed of or not forgiving themselves for anything from a failing marriage to an unfortunate upbringing.

Accepting our own baggage/pain/stuff is an on-going process, whether we like it or not. Sitting on the bench, serves no one. We have to get back in the game, as tough as it sometimes can be, and play. Fully play.

You can do the Individual Assessment (Motto tool) on our website http://goo.gl/UhC7V if you want to get some self-awareness on what is holding you back in living your best life.

Getting your wings

Yesterday I met with a consultant-colleague that has managed to transform himself. When I met him a couple of years ago he was a client, part of a senior management team. Since then everything has changed, from the new funky beard, to the fresh MBA status and entrepreneurial business focus. I completely admire how he has gracefully moved through this huge transformation, and is now rebranding himself.

My baby girl on the other hand is not embracing her transformation from baby to toddler as gracefully. Now this could be because the change is enforced upon her, as life sometimes does. Or it could be because her star-sign is Virgo (no offense to any Virgo's). Or it could be that she is just not change and transformation fit, yet.

Personally I am also going through a transformational stage, partly because of where my baby is in her development, partly because my business is demanding it. This is both exceptionally scary and exciting.

This got me thinking, why do some of us struggle to adapt to the change in ourselves and our lives more than others? I have a close family member that is also in a transitional phase, and it is obvious that the man is in pain. I am sure that if he could he would also scream and tantrum as my baby does, maybe also straight through the night...

I am fortunate to have an amazing support system, from understanding close friends and family, to lots of professional supportive and guiding input. We are not meant to go through these personal changes on our own, without someone(s) having our back (so to speak).

This is my conclusion: the more support during the transformation, the easier, maybe less painful the process. The Motto model that I developed, and the subsequent Individual Assessment tool, can help you to transform yourself, and just maybe it would be a little less painful. (See self-assessment link: http://goo.gl/UhC7V)

Being difficult

This week I learnt a not-so-nice lesson about myself - I cannot stop myself from challenging solutions imposed. Unfortunately this is not an ideal quality considering the consulting space I operate in. Partly my rebellious nature of not just 'taking' a solution or plan, and partly my pressing need to HAVE to think about the issue myself forces me to start asking questions. I suppose often irritating, maybe even intimidating and uncomfortable questions. Of course this does not mean that I may come up with a better solution or idea, I just have this pressing need to understand, or okay then, challenge the solution. Test it, so to speak.

My 3 year old's mantra is "Don't tell me!" He also does not want to be told what to do. The people close to us found interesting ways to 'tell' us - to ensure our buy-in. My all-time favourite mommy-trick is giving the two (solutions) options: "Are you wearing the green or blue top?" Or my husband's 'question' most evenings: "Do you want to bath the kids or make dinner?" Very sly, but effective. We feel not only consulted, but as if we had a choice, we were not told what needs to happen.

Which brings me to my "a-ha" moment. I experienced one of the most frustrating, uncomfortable and embarrassing meetings earlier this week. In my consulting career I have experienced a variety of, let's call them 'uniquely challenging', clients and consulting colleagues. I suspect that this severe sense of dread was most likely only my experience, as the present management team and other consultants seemed quite used to the inappropriate, almost emotionally abusive behaviour of the client.

When reflecting on the meeting, I realised why it was such a horrible experience for me. I was not allowed the space to contribute, question, 'be difficult'. We were 'told'.

Without saying it, the client basically told all of us present to not think, or challenge the solutions given. I know in having to live your best life, one of the key skills to realise your unique personal vision is to be able to challenge solutions and think more. Your self-perception of this skill is also measured by the Motto Individual Assessment http://goo.gl/J4jfg on our website.

Feeling looked after

All of us want to feel 'looked after'.

I see this so often, especially in the consulting work that I do. Recently I sat in a meeting at a client where staff losses were discussed. The topic came up because a smart and talented, maybe a little arrogant, young man resigned.

I did not get the sense that management or any of his colleagues saw this coming. In the exit interview he suggested that he did not really have a future in the company and his interests or opinions were not valued. At this point you may think, "Ah yes, he is arrogant." The irony is, in all the research (with Motto Survey tool) that I do at various clients, this issue for staff comes up without fail. They do not feel 'looked after'. They want their voices to be heard in the organisation, and they want to know where they are going in their careers.

When I share this staff need with management they generally get very irritated - "What, so I have to stroke their ego's now?!" or "Nobody asks me 'Dear Mr MD, are you feeling stimulated, rewarded and valued?' Oh no, I just have to get on with it!"

In my opinion we have to take full responsibility for our own careers, sense of belonging and personal development, so I get the frustration of my MD friend completely. Unfortunately that does not take away that 'looked after' need.

Early on in my relationship with my husband we agreed that when I felt vulnerable and had the need to feel (extra!) adored, I would tell him. So every now and then I would ask, "Darling, so tell me how pretty am I?" and then I would enjoy being soaked with compliments. Arrogant? No way! Being looked after.

The same strategy could work in terms of this 'looked after' or support need. This concept of empowering ourselves with the necessary support systems in our lives is one of the elements of the Motto Model http://goo.gl/cNnpy  that we need to put in place in realising our personal vision.

Missing "L's" and 

other serious stuff

Lying awake last night after repeatedly singing Barney's "I love you, you love me" song in the middle of the night, (apologies to everyone that knows this song, and will now also be singing it the entire day...), I realised how I cannot take myself too seriously.

I had one of those moments where you watch the scene as if you are in your own movie. We are doing our own version of 'sleep training' and the only way we could calm our baby girl down, was to sing THAT song, over and over.

Earlier the day I had another "You must be kidding me"-moment.

I am running a public workshop with a friend and colleague, Jeremy Barty, later this month. A staff member had to post the flyer for this workshop on our website's social media backlink. This feeds into our Motto Facebook page, my LinkedIn network, my twitter account and my personal Facebook friends. Basically sending it to everyone I know.

The flyer post should have read "Join our public workshop.", but instead the critical "L" in "public" was not there...

The first phone call was from my husband, also receiving the social media feed. I was driving on my way to a client and had to pull over, laughing. Seriously?

In my line of work, consulting, we (the consultants, HR people, management) can take ourselves so seriously. When something like this happens, you have to re-assess your own positioning and how you see yourself. Will I be okay, regardless of what others will say or how embarrassing the moment might be?

This is the kind of self awareness creating questions that the Motto Individual Assessment tool looks at and one if the themes we will be tackling in our workshop. I hope you will be able to join us. I promise that the “L” will be solidly in place!

Link to the workshop flyer: http://goo.gl/BmFjo

Filling the bucket

I have a client that is currently dealing with difficult personal challenges. At the same time the business is also going through major change. Although these changes are all very positive and exciting it is never the less exceptionally taxing on the owner, my client.

As much as we like to think we can compartmentalize our lives, the reality is that all of our life 'compartments' tap into the same emotional energy source. I like to call it the emotion bucket.

We fill our buckets with good, positive, nurturing emotions. After throwing a little tantrum on our way to school, I had to explain the emotion bucket concept to my kids. Please note: I threw the tantrum, not the kids.

My bucket was empty. We had a 'challenging' morning, I had to cope with normal mommy morning stuff. The depletion of the bucket was accelerated by lack of sleep and being aware of the waiting workload. An insignificant thing like realising I forgot to return a rented DVD pushed me into an 'empty bucket state'.

During a session with the client I mentioned earlier, it became clear that this person was not allowing herself any opportunity to 'refill' her bucket. She was only focussing on working harder, doing more. Not making time for nurturing, resting, thinking, dreaming and all the other things that help fill our buckets.

Sometimes we only need to become aware of how we are coping (or not coping) to be able to start making life changes. Our self perception measurement tool would do this for you. It gives clear feedback on elements such as this that could be holding you back in life. Have a look on our website http://goo.gl/UhC7V.

To be or not to be

Today, when I was driving home with the kids in the car, I overheard a conversation between my Grade 1 and Grade 2 boys. The older brother was explaining to the younger (devastated!) brother why it is okay not to be chosen for the athletics team. "Some kids are fast and others are brainy".

I had to laugh. And for the record, that is not something we teach our kids, even though neither my husband nor I will call ourselves 'fast' or 'runners', and quite often I don't feel particularly 'brainy' either.

My son has figured out a way to be okay with what he has got to work with, whether his labelling is accurate or not.

Personally it took me a very long time to be okay with who I am, accepting what I have to work with. I remember how I struggled to conform and my 'otherwise' nature often caused me (or my parents) great frustration or discomfort.

Now, many years later, and lots of self-doubt moments in-between, I know that this questioning and even rebellious nature is part of who I am. And I like it. I am very comfortable with it, and I believe it is partly the reason why I know I am successful as a consultant.

Please allow me to put this "being okay-ness" in context to the Motto model I developed. Being proud of who you are forms part of what we call your 'Internal product' or 'Personal offering' construct. If you are not okay or not proud of yourself, this element will hold you back on your life journey of realising your personal vision. As I always mention, the Individual Assessment tool measures all of the elements that relates to this and you can find it on our website at http://goo.gl/UhC7V.