Awakening the tigress within

Since forever I remember my mom referring to herself as a tigress when she felt someone was attempting to hurt her 'little ones'. She would become rather irrational and over-powering, to put it politely. Not much has changed since. We are now all grown-ups with our own brood, so she just has a few more to be over-protective of.

This week I saw my own tigress awaken. It was not pretty. There were images of the tiger ripping off a head (remember some of those scenes in the TV series Ally McBeal many moons ago?). It took every last bit of self-control not to pounce on a boy who has been bullying one of my kids.

Ironically I feel so incredibly sorry for this bully-boy, in spite of my own anger and sleepless nights. He is largely a victim of his circumstances, as most bullies are. What really saddens me about this whole situation is that I know that the source of his own anger can be traced back: parents' behaviour and their parents' behavioural patterns.

The ripple effect this initial anger from a grandparent has created, is visible in this child currently acting out and subsequently wobbling the behaviour of his peers, younger school kids and subsequently their siblings at home.

Granted, I know that I cannot blame the old man for my child's hurt. I just know that we have to be aware of this ripple effect caused by our actions. Specifically how we deal, or not deal, with our anger. At some point we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and ask, why am I so incredibly angry?

In a conversation I overheard today a woman was talking, almost bragging, about her road rage track record. She knew exactly where it came from. An accident a few years ago, associated with lots of pain, fear and sadness, triggered the volatility.

Anger comes up in the strangest of places, and the fierceness thereof is often unexpected. Whether it is a slow driver in the fast lane or a bully on the playground that is your trigger, we all have them. What to do with it, now that is the challenge.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V 

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I lost it!

I am ashamed to admit, I completely lost it!

There is possibly nothing that freaks me out as much as when I know someone is fully capable of doing or achieving something, and they then take option B – to rather opt out. The person knowingly decides to stop thinking one step further. This has got nothing to do with intellect or about being too “s-word” (stupid is a forbidden word in our house!).

After completely losing my cool when a colleague chose not to open her mind to a solution, I snapped with the remark: “You have to start thinking now.” The obvious recusation to a conscious effort just had my blood boiling.

I know all about the fight-or-flight thing – how panic/stress completely supports the “not thinking” state. And yes, I know, the way I ‘let rip’ was not facilitating better thinking. I am not making excuses for my bad behaviour, I am just stating – the ‘not thinking’ got to me.

When I have to write a blog post, I usually do not know what I am going to write about the previous night before I go to bed. Quite amazingly, at 3 o’clock on the dot the next morning I will wake up and know what to write about. My brain has sorted it out.

The capacity the brain has for thinking, more specifically problem-solving, is quite remarkable. There are many books and articles written on this topic. I say it again – it is not about being intelligent/smart/clever. It is about being disciplined to look for solutions. Being open to apply yourself – to work with what you already know. Being open to see or hear the answer.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Comprende?

A few years ago my (then bachelor) brother brought his flavour of the month girlfriend to one of our kids' birthday parties. She was an absolutely gorgeous Argentinean babe. I could only imagine how uncomfortable she must have felt - in a foreign country, different culture, fresh relationship, surrounded by hordes of screaming little people high on sugar. As hostess I took it upon myself to make her feel at home. Midway into our conversation my husband took me aside and reminded me that I can not speak Spanish...

This is true. In my sincere effort to make our guest feel welcome I adopted a very strong Spanish accent, unknowingly of course.

One of my boys have the same 'gift'. When he talks to his little sister, he uses the same technique in trying to help her feel heard - changing tone and bending words. She loves playing with him, because he gets her.

We all have ways to make each other feel listened to. The reality is that listening is really hard work. If I have to facilitate complex and intense conflict situations I know that I am going to be completely exhausted/out-of-it/brain-dead afterwards.

When we listen, the actual hearing of the spoken words is just a tiny part of the message, and this makes listening incredibly challenging. I so understand why people 'tune out' or rush the talker with staccato like yes's. Unfortunately that does not take away how the other person feels while sharing what they feel is important enough to share with you.

Personally, getting this right is always a challenge. I know my thoughts are often too noisy to hear anything. I suppose listening is not something we can achieve. It is a verb, on-going action. We might have moments of hearing, truly getting the intended messages - the rest of the time we have to work at it.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V
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Connecting the “soft” to the “hard”

Since the end of 2008 we have measured the culture, climate and engagement levels of the staff of a Western Cape construction company on a yearly basis using the Motto Survey. This has been an exciting journey for both the business and the ±120 staff. It has been fascinating to see how the staff responses change from year to year. In the first year the movement in responses were massive, as were the change in staff attitude and performance. Thereafter there has been a consistent and more gradual improvement on 90% of the measured items every year.

The reaction from all business owners and managers to this is always: “That’s great, but how did the business perform?” After all, we are here to make money. The successful business leaders understand that link – the connection between the “soft” measures vs. the “hard” ones.

The good news is that this company has been showing a consistent growth in profit in spite of the struggling construction industry.

Since the Motto Survey was first used in this business in 2008 we were able to design and implement Organisation Development (OD) strategies that could target the specific challenges and at the same time build capacity for future strategic business needs.

One of the many success stories over the years is of an Operations Manager that were able to make a complete turnaround in his management style, specifically the way he communicated with his staff. Staff responses on most of the leadership feedback items moved from 50-70% negativity to less than 30% on all related items from 2008 to 2013.

The success of this turnaround was achieved by a combination of intervention strategies, but if you ask the Operations Manager what made the staff responses change, he will talk about his staff communication lessons. Both the interactive workshops and one-on-one coaching sessions over time gave him insight on how to change the way he was managing the supervisors and staff. As a result the staff losses have been minimal over the years and very little disciplinary issues arise.

Being able to know exactly which area/department and which issue to tackle as part of the OD strategy enables business leaders to minimise staff loss, build capacity and create a performance driven workforce.

Compiled by Dr. Mariheca Otto. She writes a weekly blog: www.motto.za.net
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Geronimo!

When my husband and I travelled back from the UK after our working-holiday stint, we came via Nairobi on an overland truck. This was a very long time before kids, business and having to be responsible. At Vic Falls I decided to bungee jump, something I always wanted to do. I had the idea in my mind that it would feel like you are soaring, flight-like...

Not the case!

The thought that went through my mind was more like: ' #@*%! This is not right/normal/natural/human!' I was, let's just say, out of my comfort zone. Although you know that theoretically you are safe (there is a safety cord), when you are in the air your brain however is not comprehending this.

In my consulting work I am often suggesting to and encouraging individuals to move out of their comfort zone for various reasons. I recently was involved in facilitating a highly volatile work space. In preparation for the planned confrontational conversation I asked all the participants to think about their needs in the relationships - with the individuals, the group, the brand, the company. What this exercise does is help you realise what (and who) is/is not important to you. Stating your needs, or having confrontational conversations are not always easy or guaranteed fun. And the reality is that it completely puts you 'out there'. Mid air. Vulnerable.

My wise coach taught me that it is great to put yourself 'out there', to really jump into that difficult conversation. But you can manage your own levels of vulnerability. The key is to realise that some people have 'earned' your vulnerability, and some not. You know who those friends, family and colleagues are - you feel 'safe' with them, and when you express your needs or feelings they totally value it.

Confronting others, expressing our needs and being vulnerable happen when we are realising our life purpose or personal vision. Fortunately these are all skills - which means we can become better at it. http://goo.gl/UhC7V

Hanging on

When I was at school I had an intense (as intense as teenagers can be) conversation with a close friend. She subsequently wrote an amazing poem about the conversation that later in the year won some national language prize. That same conversation theme came up again today, this time with my two older boys.

I was much older when I relayed the picture of us (people) being like puppets. Hanging on strings, being controlled, not having much choice. I could share my kids' frustration and confusion in trying to make sense of life, and our part in it. Understanding, or rather knowing, how much of a choice we have in it.

I suppose I have always had a thing for the dramatic. Recently a client commented on how I tend to dramatise some consequence scenarios. The observation was absolutely accurate. I am so very aware of the possibility of us not taking full ownership of choices that we consciously or not so consciously make, whether this relates to the existential and life purpose options or less loaded choices.

This awareness, or consciousness of how we deal with our lives often comes up in the mentorship and performance related conversations I facilitate for my clients. I use the Individual Assessment tool (http://goo.gl/UhC7V) to help people unlock their awareness of choices they can make in their own lives, jobs and careers.

Just yesterday I was part of such a conversation again. I expressed (of course very dramatically) to a talented, mid-life(ish) male manager a possible scenario if he did not choose to consciously steer his life/career in a different direction. He completely got it. I know that, reflecting on it a year from now, he will be in a different place in both his work life and personal life - he has made a decision to own his choices/life.

Camping

In the past couple of weeks I became distinctly aware of the bodies we live in, and how we occupy them.

I have a client that is participating in the Ironman (is that still politically correct?) event over the weekend. I know quite a few people that recently ran the Two Oceans race - although I do think most of them used it as an excuse to come down to the Western Cape for a holiday...The not so long ago Argus cycle tour is another example of this.

None of these (for me extreme) sports really appeal to me, but each to his own, and I applaud anyone that has the discipline, energy, commitment, focus etc. to train and participate in these sports. My 2 eldest boys for some reason now also decided that they want to start running - I think it has something to do with receiving a medal. Personally I don't think that is much of a reward, but who am I to judge?

On another note, a very much liked client had a heart attack last week. He is now recovering at home. We had the whole health discussion at the end of last year, you know - what are you doing to cope with work stress? When are you going to take a holiday? Coincidentally he came back from a holiday break just before it happened. In the same week I heard of a friend diagnosed with breast cancer. This was a bit closer to home - female, small kids, same age, similar life style.

I know life is temporary. Or let me put it this way, my brain knows life is temporary. As a friend frames it: our bodies are the 'tents' we live in, just a shell. Temporary. Explaining this to my kids is another story, a rather challenging one. But it does help me to start making sense of where I am with this health, body awareness concept.

The bottom-line is this: you need your body to live your life purpose. The question then comes up: how are you treating/managing/occupying your 'tent'? This is an aspect we look at in the Motto Individual Assessment, you can have a look on the website: http://goo.gl/UhC7V