Trust me, I'm a doctor

Relationships have always fascinated me. All of them.

I recently visited the online dating scene for the first time ever. No, it was not for me, it was with/for a friend that went through a yucky divorce and has not yet been 'back in the game'. And...Oh my word!

What an experience that was! I absolutely loved how you could assess all the stats, the vitals on the prospects. Scan through the write-up and the face for anything that would not work for her. Very practical and efficient indeed.

What really amazed me was to see how quickly people would completely open up without meeting in person. Trusting enough to share. Please keep in mind that we are not talking about that generation - the generation that can bare their souls on Facebook or on their BB statuses.

In a conversation with another friend, she shared with me the challenges she faces with her very fresh teenager (just turned 13). Her daughter could share her most intimate feelings and thoughts with anyone online, but when her mom would bring it into their conversation it was too intimate - breaking the trust.

That baffled me. She felt safe enough to put herself out there for anyone and everyone to know her stuff, but she could not really talk about it. I suppose it is probably the same thing that happens with these online guys who share their secrets and desires with someone they only have a blurred photo and some pretty words of.

In my work I often have to facilitate mentorship conversations precisely for that reason - we have to build trust, quickly. Or rather enough trust so the mentee feels safe to share and is open to receive input from the mentor. So maybe that process works so well, precisely for that reason - we want to trust, feel safe and belong.

Lao Tzu says it so well: “He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted”.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V
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So, what's new?

"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there will be no hope for it.” (Albert Einstein)

I do like this quote, although it is not always easy to apply. Generally, we are raised to follow. Conform. To not think outside the box.

I was at a kiddies birthday party over the weekend where one of the moms remarked on the comments in her child's school report. It boiled down to this: his performance and development is beyond the average/norm in general, but on some really petty stuff he is not entirely ticking the boxes (pun intended). The message: the exceptional, beyond the norm, is not really celebrated.

I personally do not think this was the intention of the teacher. Most likely she was just so focussed on ticking the boxes she has to tick for her performance expectations. A victim of the system?

Having a mind-set of innovation and creative thinking is not often visible in the work place. Furthermore, it is a learned skill. It takes practice, and thank goodness we can get better at it - it can even become a habit (a good one!). And yes, everybody can do this - be innovative, and be problem-solvers.

I saw a brilliant example of this when we were visiting my in-laws on their farm on the Botswana border. The farmer implemented a suggestion from one of the labourers to prevent fires 'jumping' from bordering farms. They sprayed a wide stretch of grass bordering the perimeter fence with  a water-molasses blend. Sounds absurd, right? The cattle loves the taste of molasses, they ate the grass short enough that the fire risk disappeared. Problem solved.

Allow me to end off with another much loved Einstein quote:

“Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.” Let's tap into the second part more.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V
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Come on - stretch yourself!

Today was both one of the toughest and most amazing days of my life. I have the privilege of being at a yoga retreat for almost a week now. I know this sounds extreme; why would anyone want to do this?!

Well, as my friend puts it: "You have to retreat in order to advance..."

We have been doing 5 hours of yoga a day. I know there is a general perception of non-yogis that yoga is quite relaxing. It generally is, but our teacher is, let's put it politely, strict. While being in very interesting and exceptionally straining positions, he will come round to (us sweating in absolute agony) 'adjust' our arms/legs/backs/butts/whatever. He reminds me of what I think a drill sergeant or someone (mean) from the army will be like.

But today was my 'break-through day'. I was able to stretch myself not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally and finally spiritually.

I don't know who was more surprised when I was able to do a difficult move, me or the yoga teacher. My friend and I suddenly advanced from 'poor beginners' to 'novices' (from Latin novīcius, later novitius: “new, newly arrived”) And boy oh boy, have we arrived! I could not stop smiling, in spite of the strenuous poses that followed for the next hour or so.

I did something I never thought possible.

Later in the afternoon we went back for the 'restoratives'. Please do not let the word fool you. The body may be less stretched, but the rest of the 'self' not.

For the first time ever I managed to quiet the constant rush hour that is my mind for a full 20 minutes, and meditate. It was phenomenal. When the session ended I noticed tears were running down my face. I was able to be quiet enough to connect.

I do not know if I would be able to be in that space again, and be that still again, but this is a good start.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Party time!

Over the weekend we had an absolute ball at a 40th birthday bash of a school friend. It was fascinating to reflect with these boys on the past twenty odd years. They all went through massive transformations - some turning into very serious (and others not so serious) professional men. I suppose it also depends at which stage of the party we caught up with them…

Nevertheless, the life stage we are in forces some self reflection, so my own coach’s exercise of looking forward to another 40 years from now, and then looking back, has been valuable. Suddenly you have some sort of a benchmark: where you are, and where you want to be and of course where you thought you would be by now.

In my work, and socially, I very regularly meet individuals that hit their so called ‘mid-life crises’ with a BANG! To some this is just a wobble, others embrace it fully with the flashy boat, Harley and renewed gym membership, and sometimes even the fling or flings on the side (and I am not talking about the snack your kids eat.)

I believe the way you live will indicate your values and what you value. Yesterday I was privileged to spend the afternoon with a friend fighting cancer. We all know that when you are faced with a life threatening illness you suddenly wake-up to reality. To what and who are truly important, valuable. Then you remember who you are, what you want to contribute, and how limited your time is. And that maybe you do not have another 40 years to do it.

I am not trying to be depressing with this blog, I am making a toast. I am suggesting we celebrate and embrace! So here is to living our values and valuing the ones we hold dear.  Carpe diem!

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Awakening the tigress within

Since forever I remember my mom referring to herself as a tigress when she felt someone was attempting to hurt her 'little ones'. She would become rather irrational and over-powering, to put it politely. Not much has changed since. We are now all grown-ups with our own brood, so she just has a few more to be over-protective of.

This week I saw my own tigress awaken. It was not pretty. There were images of the tiger ripping off a head (remember some of those scenes in the TV series Ally McBeal many moons ago?). It took every last bit of self-control not to pounce on a boy who has been bullying one of my kids.

Ironically I feel so incredibly sorry for this bully-boy, in spite of my own anger and sleepless nights. He is largely a victim of his circumstances, as most bullies are. What really saddens me about this whole situation is that I know that the source of his own anger can be traced back: parents' behaviour and their parents' behavioural patterns.

The ripple effect this initial anger from a grandparent has created, is visible in this child currently acting out and subsequently wobbling the behaviour of his peers, younger school kids and subsequently their siblings at home.

Granted, I know that I cannot blame the old man for my child's hurt. I just know that we have to be aware of this ripple effect caused by our actions. Specifically how we deal, or not deal, with our anger. At some point we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and ask, why am I so incredibly angry?

In a conversation I overheard today a woman was talking, almost bragging, about her road rage track record. She knew exactly where it came from. An accident a few years ago, associated with lots of pain, fear and sadness, triggered the volatility.

Anger comes up in the strangest of places, and the fierceness thereof is often unexpected. Whether it is a slow driver in the fast lane or a bully on the playground that is your trigger, we all have them. What to do with it, now that is the challenge.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V 

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I lost it!

I am ashamed to admit, I completely lost it!

There is possibly nothing that freaks me out as much as when I know someone is fully capable of doing or achieving something, and they then take option B – to rather opt out. The person knowingly decides to stop thinking one step further. This has got nothing to do with intellect or about being too “s-word” (stupid is a forbidden word in our house!).

After completely losing my cool when a colleague chose not to open her mind to a solution, I snapped with the remark: “You have to start thinking now.” The obvious recusation to a conscious effort just had my blood boiling.

I know all about the fight-or-flight thing – how panic/stress completely supports the “not thinking” state. And yes, I know, the way I ‘let rip’ was not facilitating better thinking. I am not making excuses for my bad behaviour, I am just stating – the ‘not thinking’ got to me.

When I have to write a blog post, I usually do not know what I am going to write about the previous night before I go to bed. Quite amazingly, at 3 o’clock on the dot the next morning I will wake up and know what to write about. My brain has sorted it out.

The capacity the brain has for thinking, more specifically problem-solving, is quite remarkable. There are many books and articles written on this topic. I say it again – it is not about being intelligent/smart/clever. It is about being disciplined to look for solutions. Being open to apply yourself – to work with what you already know. Being open to see or hear the answer.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Comprende?

A few years ago my (then bachelor) brother brought his flavour of the month girlfriend to one of our kids' birthday parties. She was an absolutely gorgeous Argentinean babe. I could only imagine how uncomfortable she must have felt - in a foreign country, different culture, fresh relationship, surrounded by hordes of screaming little people high on sugar. As hostess I took it upon myself to make her feel at home. Midway into our conversation my husband took me aside and reminded me that I can not speak Spanish...

This is true. In my sincere effort to make our guest feel welcome I adopted a very strong Spanish accent, unknowingly of course.

One of my boys have the same 'gift'. When he talks to his little sister, he uses the same technique in trying to help her feel heard - changing tone and bending words. She loves playing with him, because he gets her.

We all have ways to make each other feel listened to. The reality is that listening is really hard work. If I have to facilitate complex and intense conflict situations I know that I am going to be completely exhausted/out-of-it/brain-dead afterwards.

When we listen, the actual hearing of the spoken words is just a tiny part of the message, and this makes listening incredibly challenging. I so understand why people 'tune out' or rush the talker with staccato like yes's. Unfortunately that does not take away how the other person feels while sharing what they feel is important enough to share with you.

Personally, getting this right is always a challenge. I know my thoughts are often too noisy to hear anything. I suppose listening is not something we can achieve. It is a verb, on-going action. We might have moments of hearing, truly getting the intended messages - the rest of the time we have to work at it.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V
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