Keep it real, man!

I was shocked and saddened when a friend shared how she witnessed and fell victim to terrible, unethical choices a very senior business leader made in a large corporate. I know that horrible things like this happen all the time. And when you do not see it coming, it is much more upsetting.

During her interview and experiences at the company the perception was created that this leader was, in fact, a true leader. She was completely motivated, had belonging and felt stimulated. It was only when the head honcho had to make a moral decision that he failed. Miserably.

Admittedly it was devastating when his true colours became clear. The dilemma that my friend was faced with, was that now her own values, morals and ethics were not matching her leader’s. And subsequently the business culture’s.

In another conversation with a client, he expressed his frustrations with some of his senior management colleagues that are ‘pretending’. Not being authentic. Not being real.

Personally I have more time for someone that is real - knowingly and openly ‘not perfect’ - than for someone that are either pretending/faking it or still in denial about who or what they really are. In other words, they are not even aware that they are being pretentious.

As amusing as it can be to watch the games of the ‘pretentia’ (as my husband calls this group), when under pressure, it can be quite irritating to deal with.

Ayn Rand wrote it so beautifully in The Fountainhead:

"To sell your soul is the easiest thing in the world. That's what everybody does every hour of his life. If I asked you to keep your soul - would you understand why that's much harder?"

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Square up

With some people it is so obvious how they see themselves: personality traits, mood, agenda. An open book, I tell you! They almost completely communicate through their bodies.

Research will tell you that when people interact, we ‘read’ a lot more in the physical experience and observation than in the words.

Some time ago a close family member had a tiff with one of my kids who, at the then age of two, primarily communicated with his body. The grown-up, a committed non-body language reader, could for the life of him not see what this little boy was telling him. It took an almost full family intervention to convince the grown-up of the toddlers plans and motives. He did not use words, it was visible in his body.

I understand it is not the best thing to make assumptions and conclusions based only on what is visible. However, we do it all the time. It is a reality. When someone enters the room slouching, what do you assume? Tired, depressed, sad, low self-esteem… The list goes on.

Interestingly, in yoga, one of the very effective mood lifting techniques are back-bends. Again, there is a physical and emotional connection.

I went through quite a taxing and an emotionally challenging time not too long ago. When I went for my maintenance visit at my BSR-guy (Body Stress Release), he made a comment on how my shoulders were in a bit of a slouch. And have I noticed how the elderly enfold as if to protect the heart?

When dealing with clients, I have seen so many times how the person that seems happy, confident and passionate will get the promotion, or the job, or the praise, or the raise. Decisions are often not only consciously made on the facts, nor the logic - the left brain stuff, but also based on all the mushy, perception, touchy-feely stuff.

I am a firm believer of managing perceptions, not as a means to manipulate, but to sketch the most accurate picture of who and what you are – what you have to contribute. So let’s ‘square up’.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Geniuses

“I treat them like geniuses” - the response to how my son interacts with his friends.  As much as I would have loved to say that he got the insight from his mother, alas, I cannot…

After an intense time of trying to fit in, dealing with bullies and finding his own group of friends, he finally came home with the news: “We are like a team, mom!” When enquiring a bit more, he gave me the secret to his success - treat them like geniuses.

During a catch-up conversation with an old client/friend, she reveals why she is ecstatically happy in her new job. “It is amazing, this guy manages me as if I have been there for years.” The team made it so easy for her to fit in, and to simply get on with it.

Early on in my career I realised that my individualism and entrepreneurial spirit would not make me the perfect employee, hence my specialised field of consulting. That does not mean that I do not enjoy working in teams though (as I now so often do!).

Teamwork is a skill – it takes effort to fit in, participate, tolerate and contribute in the team. My four year old is deeply struggling with this. I am sure he loves us, and maybe even likes us a bit. ‘Us’ being the rest of the family. But oh boy, oh boy, he is not showing it. He uses every family activity to upset, or to disrupt, or generally just to make anything not flow. Granted, he is freshly four.

I am patient with him, because I know grown-ups that still need to master teamwork - that has not yet moved on from this disruptive stage, that has yet to learn to work with a group of people, sometimes in spite of themselves, their own ego’s and own agenda’s. Simply, as Aesop puts it: “United we stand, divided we fall.”

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V
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The Untouchables

We have a national radio station in South Africa that is really funky. It plays great music, I enjoy the jokes, the promotions are very clever and here and there the conversation is, let's say, interesting. Often quite a different take on things.

But there is one DJ with a 'god complex' that drives me crazy!

"A god complex is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, or infallibility." (Thank you Wikipedia.) The word 'arrogant' comes to mind, or ‘over-confident’.

Please do not misunderstand me, I am all for confidence. This guy I am referring to is just never wrong. He insults others and bullies everyone, just because he believes he can. He has the microphone after all!

I deal with very senior people in business on a daily basis. In fact, I see this phenomenon on all levels of organisations. Confidence related issues. Generally someone's self-worth is low, for whatever reason, so he/she inflates the projected self - and it is not pretty.

The thing that really scares me, is when we make decisions based on this. Important decisions that affect lots of people, their lives, and their families - all so the individual feels more confident. To have that increased (false) sense of self-worth.

I know that this sounds rather serious. I suppose it is. I wish that we could sometimes just pause. Step back. Think a little (or a lot...). And just check: Is this decision/choice made based on my need to feel good/better/more?

In conclusion, a quote from the book Return to Paradise (Simone Elkeles):

“I wish I could turn back time, but I can't. I made a stupid decision because I thought I was invincible, and I'll pay for it the rest of my life."

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Trust me, I'm a doctor

Relationships have always fascinated me. All of them.

I recently visited the online dating scene for the first time ever. No, it was not for me, it was with/for a friend that went through a yucky divorce and has not yet been 'back in the game'. And...Oh my word!

What an experience that was! I absolutely loved how you could assess all the stats, the vitals on the prospects. Scan through the write-up and the face for anything that would not work for her. Very practical and efficient indeed.

What really amazed me was to see how quickly people would completely open up without meeting in person. Trusting enough to share. Please keep in mind that we are not talking about that generation - the generation that can bare their souls on Facebook or on their BB statuses.

In a conversation with another friend, she shared with me the challenges she faces with her very fresh teenager (just turned 13). Her daughter could share her most intimate feelings and thoughts with anyone online, but when her mom would bring it into their conversation it was too intimate - breaking the trust.

That baffled me. She felt safe enough to put herself out there for anyone and everyone to know her stuff, but she could not really talk about it. I suppose it is probably the same thing that happens with these online guys who share their secrets and desires with someone they only have a blurred photo and some pretty words of.

In my work I often have to facilitate mentorship conversations precisely for that reason - we have to build trust, quickly. Or rather enough trust so the mentee feels safe to share and is open to receive input from the mentor. So maybe that process works so well, precisely for that reason - we want to trust, feel safe and belong.

Lao Tzu says it so well: “He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted”.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V
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