Love thy self

On a daily basis setting boundaries of some sort comes up as a theme. Whether it is a client struggling to manage an over-powering and manipulative boss or colleague, or seeing mom-friends feeling guilty when taking time away from the family.

In my opinion the boundary challenge has a direct link to the stability of the self-esteem of the individual. However, what moms tend to do is either blame their husbands or kids for abusing them or become the martyr of some sort - with a well developed guilt-story. You know the story: "I am a working mom, I am already missing out on so much, there is no way I can use my spare time on something self indulgent..." And of course that story will have a strong link to spoiling the kids and evidence of some lack of self-care, i.e. not eating well, not going for medical check-ups, nor taking time to exercise, pamper or relax.

Being able to guard your 'self nurturing time slot' can be as tricky as guarding your sense of self at work. It is particularly evident when there is a personality or leadership style clash in management or project teams, with little tolerance of differences, and appreciation of diversity in both strengths and weaknesses.

When putting effective teams together, a critical step in building the team relationships is finding commonality in the individuals. Unfortunately when differences/conflict happens - as it should in healthy functioning relationships - these common interests and connections are easily forgotten, where it could be used as a reminder of the 'oneness'.

Another key element of healthy relationships is feeling safe enough to be vulnerable. Sadly the moment an individual feels threatened, usually due to the conflict, the possibility of healthy vulnerability disappears. I am not talking about having to (over)share gory dirty details that makes everyone cringe, I am talking about feeling safe enough to admit weaknesses, failures and ask for advice.

In closing, please allow me to quote researcher Brene Brown:

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Those habits (and I counted way beyond 7…)

We have all read beautiful quotes on habit management. And we all know our own bad habits intimately. If you are in denial or oblivious to this, just ask your wife/husband/partner/colleagues/family. We all have them.

Some of us have been able to turn our bad habits into obsessions that work for us, not against us. That is the thing with bad habits, we compensate for them. Just permit me a stereotype. Have you noticed what absolutely social, awesome fun people most smokers are? And really oversized people, they are generally great fun, accommodating, loving, generous people. Put the two bad habits together - now there's a party just waiting to happen! Please, all over-indulging smokers, do not stop being this much fun (even if you do manage to change the habit!). I cannot judge, I have had my fair share of both those habits, and then some...

When you have such an addictive personality as I have, you very quickly realise when you are hooked, and then you take drastic measures to get out. No seriously, we do not have DSTV in our home! I would have loved to take the moral high road and said it is for the kids - you know, TV is really bad for them, blah blah blah. Alas, it is not so. It is to protect the mama. I will not do anything else apart from channel hopping. Really. Nothing else. My current challenge, and I have noticed most of my senior clients' challenge, is sleeping habits. Getting proper rest. Breaking the patterns.

Recently I have had a few conversations with people that are creating very healthy habits for themselves, with multiple benefits. Anything from cycling the Cape Argus to preparing for long challenging trips or races, such as the Camino de Santiago or Iron Man. It is truly remarkable. As good old Aristotle once said: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is then not an act, but a habit."

So, I guess me hitting the sack x every opportunity = excellence! Works for me…

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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A call for courage

I know that when you look from the outside, it is far easier to be objective and see solutions and have interesting ideas on how to improve or fix a situation. Personally I think that is the one thing men find most challenging about women - that Adam has to shut up and let Eve talk (regardless of her own muddled thoughts) in order for her to reach some sort of clarity or calmness without being given 'answers'.

The other big challenge (this is now with all of us...) is that when someone does approach you with the answers, or as David Rock (neuroscience expert) calls it "certainty", people (or our brains) respond horribly wrong. We shut down, disengage, disconnect, mentally exit the conversation.

For someone that hates to be 'told' - hence the self acclaimed 'unemployable' status -  I know that the possibility of incredibly negative consequences to 'shutting down' will not stop me from doing it. As childish and self-destructive as it sounds, it happens to all of us. The 'being told' factor, in other words: 'I know and you don't' attitude, or creating 'I have certainty and clarity on the matter' perceptions - giving the ultimate answer, all of this closes the opportunity to brilliant ideas and new fresh solutions.

Apart from all of these related challenges to getting the great ideas out there, leadership in organisations also has to create a 'safe space' - be brave enough to encourage controversial difficult conversations, in spite of their own fear and possibly personal risk associated with it. The succession planning topic calls for such courageous leadership.

I often get a sense from my clients that ideally all roles should be filled with responsible people that use their own initiative, work diligently, but are completely without ambition. When we get them to how they should be performing in that role, they should just stay there. Forever.

Okay, so that's unfortunately not realistic. And that brings the struggle (and opportunity) of finding interesting solutions and trying new things.

This made me think of something my son said: "Mom, you don't understand, he is like a calculator! He can do 1+1, but not a+b..." He overheard a conversation about my frustrations around someone not thinking of different ways to approach a problem. I suppose being like a 'calculator' has its place too, it is with the really brave conversations where we have to open ourselves up to fresh formulas.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V
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Detoxing

I am wondering: "How do we let our life memories work for us, or not?"

My mom had open heart surgery recently and the recovery process completely took me by surprise. Whenever my mom would remember, and subsequently feel, anything uncomfortable/negative/painful, her heart would literally hurt. To help her recover faster we had to help her focus on all the good stuff.

Our memories are visible not only in our physical experiences, but also in our physical  appearances and the way we carry ourselves - good or bad.

A young, successful senior manager shared with me his frustration with a board member feeling threatened by him. When analysing the situation, the anxiety the older, more experienced director has, is completely irrational. But this guy clearly has got issues with what the younger person represents to him.

I personally have experienced a similar 'weirdness' when meeting a very impressive, dynamic, highly qualified person. It was palpable in the air that I personified something in this person's history/memory bank that she was not quite okay with. What to do, what to do? Look, I kept trying to connect with her, underselling myself, listening more. Yet, I cannot say that it worked. In another situation I watched an eighty four year young, phenomenal women downplaying her experience and unfathomable knowledge (memories) for the sake of the ego's in the room.

Our memories are there, whether we like them or not. What we do with them is our choice. Whether we allow them to come sit in our bodies and manifest in bad ways, or allow them to give us focus, energy and emotions we like – it is all still our choice.

The trick is to consciously make the choice, and not let the bad memories creep up on us and be toxic in our lives. Maybe we all need a bad memory detox ever so often?

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V 
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