Killing God's creatures

Today my 6 year old was in tears, refraining to come to the lunch table. He was punishing himself for 'killing God's creatures'.

He killed a fly.

It took me some time to convince him that he can forgive himself, and just not do it again. He bought it quite easily. It could be that he was really hungry and the morality issue became a non-issue.

At the same lunch table a single mother and her baby girl was waiting. It was interesting to see how tough she was on herself and her daughter. I almost got the sense that she too was punishing herself, this time not for killing flies. The father of the little girl left them not long after her birth. Since then she has gained a lot of weight, and stopped making proper eye contact, hardly ever smiling or laughing.

In my view this young women has not only lost the father of her child, but also her self-worth.

Often we allow others to punish us, or we punish ourselves in self destructive ways. Either by withholding ourselves from something we yearn for, like my son and his terrible deed, or not allowing ourselves to be who we could be. Not allowing yourself to live your purpose, because somewhere in your psyche you believe you don't really deserve it, or are worth that much.

This of course could never be true, but you are so used to convincing yourself, that eventually your self-worth is almost non-existing and you are hating the life you have created for yourself.

There are ways to get out of this destructive cycle. A good start would be to do the Motto Individual Assessment in order to determine your current self perception of your self-worth and other relevant related elements. This self measurement tool is available on our website.

Looking inward

This time of the year inevitably allows time to ponder and observe. Reflecting on the year passed and wondering or planning what could happen in the year to come. Part of the pondering is looking at the roles we play and trying to remember who we are in those roles.

Recently one of my boys made a comment about himself, his appearance and how others observe him. I was shocked and stunned at the comment, because what he was saying is not at all the reality. Now this is not just a mother's response, I know my little angels are not always angels. When I talked to him about this self perception it became clear that it was the projections of others that formed this idea about himself.

That got me thinking about how I perceive myself based on other's reactions about me, what I do and not do. On our way to our holiday destination we saw countless very fancy cars and 4x4's. My husband and I talked about the people in the cars, we made many assumptions about who they are, what they like and what they do. In essence what their 'identity' is.

I believe you can create your own life, destiny and self identity. You have a choice in what your future should be. Deciding on how you want to see yourself, your identity, is one of the things you can control in your life, regardless of how others see you.

All of us play certain roles, whether it is the parent, employee or life partner. During our lives these roles change as we develop. Today I am asking myself the question, 'How do you see yourself?' And 'How would you like to see yourself?'

How comfortable you are with your own identity and the roles you choose to play form part of the Personal Offering construct. All these related elements are measured with the Motto Individual Assessment on our website. It will give you an idea to what extent you are comfortable with yourself identity and personal offering.

Letting go 

Often we find ourselves holding on to beliefs that are not working for us.

A few weeks ago at my coaching circle I finally realised that the beliefs I held of myself and my relationship with a close family member were poisonous. Whenever I would think of the time I would have to spend with this person (let's call her Stella) during the upcoming holidays I would get very anxious, angry and judgmental.

The whole year I mentally 'prepared' myself for the confrontational conversation I would have with Stella. I had all my arguments lined up, how she had to change and how I would help her see how wrong she is, and what a problem her behaviour is not only to me, but also to my husband and kids.

I truly believed that she would see my point and change. Very simple. During the 'check-in' session I realised how much emotional energy and time I was spending, wasting on not letting go of this belief that she would change.

An older, wiser friend told me once that when you have to let go of something that is holding you back on your life journey, it helps to blow bubbles. I visualised all the frustration and anger associated with my 'non-serving' belief as I blew the bubbles and saw them pop.

To my husband's great relief and joy I did not talk about all the things Stella would be doing 'wrong' or inadequately in my eyes all the way on our 14 hour drive this holiday. I am able to relax and enjoy the time with my family, not constantly expecting a different behaviour.

Being able to manage your own beliefs forms part of the Self-management tools construct that is measured with the Motto Individual Assessment on our website. This assessment will give you an indication to what extent you perceive yourself to be living your best life and the areas you can develop to assist you on this journey.

The story of the middle finger

More than 2 years ago I hurt my finger opening a door at a hotel where I was for a conference. Not thinking much of it I went back to the conference and carried on. A few weeks thereafter the first knuckle of my middle finger started turning red and were swollen. For two years I ignored the pain and discomfort and just kept “pushing” it straight. What I did not realise was that I was actually wearing the joint bone to such an extent that when I finally got to a doctor earlier this year I had to get a “screw” to stabilise my finger joint.

As ridiculous as this was, and by now you would have thought that I would have learnt the lesson: “You need to look after yourself, e.g. go to a doctor when you have pain.” I was not getting it. The second time I went back to the “bone doctor” (and this is not a sangoma) my finger was still not healing, this was about 20 weeks after the operation. He suggested that I schedule another operation to replace the current screw with a bigger screw! This of course made a lot of logical and medical sense, but that was when I finally realised that I have to start saying “no”. So I did, I got him to give me another month and then we could reconsider.

I did not know how I was going to get my finger to heal, but I knew that this finger story was getting out of hand I had to start seeing the wood for the trees. Life was trying very hard to teach me something. In the Motto Model the third construct deals with self of personal worth. Knowing how to say no and actually doing it forms part of these elements. Pardon the pun but my screwed, stiff middle finger is a symbol to me of my journey this year or having to learn how to value myself (and my finger) enough to say no to firstly the second operation, but also in the healing process having to say no to more pressure, constant nagging requests, and spending time on myself in order to recover.

How does the story end?  Well after doing all sorts of very interesting and “out-of-the-box” things my finger healed miraculously, much to the surprise of the orthopaedic surgeon. And my screwed middle finger will for the rest of my life be a symbol of valuing myself enough to be able to say no when it is time to say no.

You can do the Individual Assessment on our website to see to what extent you are valuing yourself in relation to living your best life and realising your life purpose.