Awakening the tigress within

Since forever I remember my mom referring to herself as a tigress when she felt someone was attempting to hurt her 'little ones'. She would become rather irrational and over-powering, to put it politely. Not much has changed since. We are now all grown-ups with our own brood, so she just has a few more to be over-protective of.

This week I saw my own tigress awaken. It was not pretty. There were images of the tiger ripping off a head (remember some of those scenes in the TV series Ally McBeal many moons ago?). It took every last bit of self-control not to pounce on a boy who has been bullying one of my kids.

Ironically I feel so incredibly sorry for this bully-boy, in spite of my own anger and sleepless nights. He is largely a victim of his circumstances, as most bullies are. What really saddens me about this whole situation is that I know that the source of his own anger can be traced back: parents' behaviour and their parents' behavioural patterns.

The ripple effect this initial anger from a grandparent has created, is visible in this child currently acting out and subsequently wobbling the behaviour of his peers, younger school kids and subsequently their siblings at home.

Granted, I know that I cannot blame the old man for my child's hurt. I just know that we have to be aware of this ripple effect caused by our actions. Specifically how we deal, or not deal, with our anger. At some point we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and ask, why am I so incredibly angry?

In a conversation I overheard today a woman was talking, almost bragging, about her road rage track record. She knew exactly where it came from. An accident a few years ago, associated with lots of pain, fear and sadness, triggered the volatility.

Anger comes up in the strangest of places, and the fierceness thereof is often unexpected. Whether it is a slow driver in the fast lane or a bully on the playground that is your trigger, we all have them. What to do with it, now that is the challenge.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V 

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I lost it!

I am ashamed to admit, I completely lost it!

There is possibly nothing that freaks me out as much as when I know someone is fully capable of doing or achieving something, and they then take option B – to rather opt out. The person knowingly decides to stop thinking one step further. This has got nothing to do with intellect or about being too “s-word” (stupid is a forbidden word in our house!).

After completely losing my cool when a colleague chose not to open her mind to a solution, I snapped with the remark: “You have to start thinking now.” The obvious recusation to a conscious effort just had my blood boiling.

I know all about the fight-or-flight thing – how panic/stress completely supports the “not thinking” state. And yes, I know, the way I ‘let rip’ was not facilitating better thinking. I am not making excuses for my bad behaviour, I am just stating – the ‘not thinking’ got to me.

When I have to write a blog post, I usually do not know what I am going to write about the previous night before I go to bed. Quite amazingly, at 3 o’clock on the dot the next morning I will wake up and know what to write about. My brain has sorted it out.

The capacity the brain has for thinking, more specifically problem-solving, is quite remarkable. There are many books and articles written on this topic. I say it again – it is not about being intelligent/smart/clever. It is about being disciplined to look for solutions. Being open to apply yourself – to work with what you already know. Being open to see or hear the answer.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V

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Comprende?

A few years ago my (then bachelor) brother brought his flavour of the month girlfriend to one of our kids' birthday parties. She was an absolutely gorgeous Argentinean babe. I could only imagine how uncomfortable she must have felt - in a foreign country, different culture, fresh relationship, surrounded by hordes of screaming little people high on sugar. As hostess I took it upon myself to make her feel at home. Midway into our conversation my husband took me aside and reminded me that I can not speak Spanish...

This is true. In my sincere effort to make our guest feel welcome I adopted a very strong Spanish accent, unknowingly of course.

One of my boys have the same 'gift'. When he talks to his little sister, he uses the same technique in trying to help her feel heard - changing tone and bending words. She loves playing with him, because he gets her.

We all have ways to make each other feel listened to. The reality is that listening is really hard work. If I have to facilitate complex and intense conflict situations I know that I am going to be completely exhausted/out-of-it/brain-dead afterwards.

When we listen, the actual hearing of the spoken words is just a tiny part of the message, and this makes listening incredibly challenging. I so understand why people 'tune out' or rush the talker with staccato like yes's. Unfortunately that does not take away how the other person feels while sharing what they feel is important enough to share with you.

Personally, getting this right is always a challenge. I know my thoughts are often too noisy to hear anything. I suppose listening is not something we can achieve. It is a verb, on-going action. We might have moments of hearing, truly getting the intended messages - the rest of the time we have to work at it.

Motto Model: http://goo.gl/cNnpy and Motto Individual Assessment: http://goo.gl/UhC7V
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